The Crystal Cathodes aka My Book, Film and TV Awards for 2022

 

The Crystal Cathodes Awards 2022

Hello. Thanks for reading. Here are the awards.

Film Awards

Ranked from least to most favourite.

Number of films seen in 2020: 80   Number of films seen in 2021: 78

60) Somebody Killed Her Husband Farrah Fawcett and Jeff Bridges in a great curio that is, however, neither thriller nor comedy. Shouldn’t have quit the hit, Farrah. Still, maybe Saturn 3 will turn things around.

59) Bridge to Terabithia Sad kids drama that has you reaching for the Prozac.

58) Ladyhawke A rare example of a boring Richard Donner film. Maybe it’s just that our film editor has never liked the fantasy genre. Too outdoorsy. Just give him central heating and some comfy furniture (see Passengers).

57) Grease 2 Dismal sequel illustrates how vital good writing - in story and song - is to a film. We quite liked Maxwell Caulfield’s performance. He was likeable and did what he could with the material. Worst song: the one in the nuclear shelter.

56) A Dangerous Method Dull imagining of the turbulent relationships between Jung, Freud and one of Jung’s patients. At times hysterical, and not in the sense that anyone is laughing.

55) Hocus Pocus Disposable, witch-driven fun from the 90s.

54) The Happening Sci-fi hokum about plants releasing toxins to kill people isn’t as bad as the critics said, especially if - as its director urged us - you view it as a B-movie. In any case, who doesn’t want to see Brian O’Halloran as a non-speaking van driver? 

53) Predators Pretty awful addition to the franchise. Who cast Adrien Brody as a muscle-bound soldier? Speak to whoever cast Brian O’Halloran, they know casting.

52) Pyewacket Troubled ie a bit annoying teen puts a witch’s curse on her mom, which doesn’t work. As far as we could tell. Nothing else happens either. Then it ends. Altogether now: “Ah, whot’s up, Pyewicket?” Answer: not much. 

51) Willow Creek Those who waited many years for Bobcat Goldthwaite’s directorial debut will have been disappointed by this poor effort in which an annoying yuppie couple run into Bigfoot in the woods. So vanilla it practically needs a cone.

50) The French Dispatch More whimsy from Wes Anderson starts well but becomes very tedious before the halfway mark is even reached. Only poseurs could say they enjoyed this, surely.

49) The Darjeeling Ltd Colourful comedy-drama outstays its welcome before the end credits.

48) That Thing You Do Bland but comforting tale of a 60s boy band. Apparently a longer cut with 39 more minutes exists. It’s hard to imagine who would salivate over this (apart from our film editor, who likes all director’s cuts).

47) Echoes of Fear After inheriting her grandfather's house, a young woman must confront the mystery of his sudden death and the evil that hides inside. Decent enough to help meet the month’s horror quota, but no great scares.

46) Turning Red Disney wokery with the now-trendy message about periods (not the ‘full stop’ kind). It’s pretty good until the messages kick in.

45) Ant Man and Wasp A bit more grating than Ant Man.

44) Ant Man One of the more bearable Marvel adapters.

43) Cheaper by the Dozen (the Steve Martin one) Nineties comedy is never going to take its place among the Planes, Trains and Automobiles of this world.

42) The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It Third in the series that has left our horror aficionado film critic humming and hoing. They’re no Sinister / Insidious. / AWARD WINNER: Best Scene Featuring A Possessed Water Bed.

41) The Bad Guys Animation about a bank heist. Not bad, guys (geddit?).

40) Caveat A drifter takes a job in a secluded house in Ireland in this “hoirror”. Starts intriguingly but slowly deteriorates until we reach a more conventional action finale.

39) Freaky Friday Early noughties remake of the 70s switcheroo comedy. Mildly fun.

38) The Last Descent Another in the “Stuck Between Rocks in Utah” genre (see also 127 Hours) is a claustrophobic's dream (sic). True story about a bloke who got stuck in the Nutty Putty cave in 2009 and despite all efforts to rescue him, died, and is still there. Grim but, you know, leave your bodies alone, guys, they don’t come with invincibility guarantees. Still, RIP.

37) Howl's Moving Castle For the first half, this Japanse animation’s leftfield story keeps you wanting to know what happens next, but it all becomes a bit wearisome in the second half. Two hours was a bit optimistic.

36) Death on the Nile The old classic is denied the lovely locations of the 1978 version but Ms Gadot was spectacle enough for this old relic ie our films editor.

35) The Last Flight of Noah’s Ark Critics may have savaged it at the time but many decades on its 70s-smplicity goes down as smoothly as a, er, crashed aeroplane. Elliott Gould keeps things aloft with his effortless charisma.

34) Uncharted Knockabout adventure based on the video games, which to our video games editor’s great sadness are not available on the XBox.

33) Muppets Most Wanted Average outing for the puppets. If you’ve ever wanted to see a dance number in a Russian gulag with Tina Fey, Danny Trejo and Ray Liotta, this is the film for you.

32) The Cat’s Meow Slightly cosy, slightly interesting drama about a murder on board William Randolph Hearst’s yacht in 1924.

31) Lucky A woman is forced to fight a mysterious man who returns to her home night after night. Domestic abuse sub-text is clever and original but the man isn’t really scary as he is easily thwarted each time. Maybe the repetition is more the point -- the fact that she can’t get rid of him.

30) Last Night in Soho Intriguing thriller with a great (if tediously woke) twist at the end.

29) Underwater Alien rip-off looks great, but that’s enough about Kristen Stewart. Only kidding, Kristen, we’re big fans (see her previous Cathodes nomination for Still Alice). Some exciting moments amid the high stress.

28) The House That Dripped Blood The familiar Amicus quartet of spookers - is anything scarier than drab 70s interiors? - turn Weybridge into a veritable frightzone of antiques shops and wax museums.

27) Cold Creek Manor Another “stranger in the house” film, but with Dennis Quaid the intruded upon rather than the intruder (see last year’s, er, The Intruder).

26) The Darkness Kevin Bacon and Radha Mitchell find some weird old stuff going on in their house after their autistic son steals some sacred stones from a hidden cave while on a trip to the Grand Canyon. Critics said it’s rubbish and that was our greenlight to watch a pretty entertaining film.

25) Halloween Kills Not as good as the previous outing but it’s always somehow comforting to be back in Haddonfield.

24) Gone With The Wind A gaping hole in our Classic Films editor’s knowledge was finally filled.

23) Airport The original disaster film. All it needs is Leslie Nielsen. AWARD WINNER: Jacqueline Bisset -- Most Time Spent Lying on the Floor In A Film.

22) One Night in Miami Adaptation of play puts Muhammad Ali, Malcolm X, Jim Brown and Sam Cooke together for a night of civil rights debate in a Florida motel room. England’s Kingsley Ben-Adir as Malcolm X is a standout among the uniformly great performances. AWARD WINNER: Beau Bridges for Delivering Most Racist Line We’ve Ever Heard In A Film.

21) Straight Talk Likeable 90s comedy pairing - finally! - James Woods and Dolly Parton. But if Jim defected to light comedy for once, why did Dolly not return the favour and pop up in, say, Salvador?

20) The Black Phone Horror based on story by Stephen King’s son Joe Hill is much better than critics made out. Ethan Hawke creepy as the mask-wearing psycho.

19) The Wolfman Lon Chaney is the titular hybrid creature in a stylish first outing for the, er, titular hybrid creature.

18) Tower of Evil Chilling, raw horror on a craggy Southwest island, with plenty of gore and ladies being disrespectful (TM) for those who like that kind of thing.

17) Callan You’re a bloody fool, Callan etc. Gritty drama-thriller from the days when grey backdrops weren’t jazzed up with post-production colouring. You were grateful for a kick in the teeth because you never knew when the next one would be coming along.

16) Dolan’s Cadillac Typically bonkers Stephen King story about Wes Bentley seeking revenge on uber-sleazeball Christian Slater, who killed his wife. We’re asked to think it’s all happening in a normal world but the wife tells her widower from beyond the grave that when she died she was pregnant. They could have just had Wes find the pregancy test in the bathroom and do away with the half-hearted hocus pocus but anyway. Enjoyable nonsense.

15) House of Gucci Another solid if not thrilling Italian job (see also All The Money in the World) for Ridley Scott in the story of how the romance between Patrizia Reggiani (Lady Gaga) and Maurizio Gucci (Adam Driver) turned into a fight for control of the Gucci brand. Nice to see Ridley putting the CGI away and dealing with real stuff though.

14) The Witch These spooky goings on in the English countryside are not as scary as some critics would have you believe, with the exception of the final scene.

13) The Sense of an Ending Poignant pondering on what has been and might have been, with strong work by Jim Broadbent and Harriet Walter.

12) Amsterdam Endless story about a real-life plot to overthrow the American government is only just held together by the immense star power involved, led by Christian Bale but with Margot Robbie, John David Washington, Rami Malek, Anya Taylor-Joy and Taylor Swift hot on his heels. 

11) The Fly Very gruesome monster schtick. Goldblum rightly won praise for his performance at the time. No mean feat as it could easily have turned schlocky and ended up in the Golden Raspberries.

10) Dune Faithful adaptation of the classic novel. Our fim editor will be returning for part two.

9) Scream Decent return to the franch. We liked the killer’s motive for the killings.

8) No Exit A kind of poor man’s Hateful Eight about a bunch of strangers holed up in a snowbound diner, with a killer on the loose. Cosy.

7) The Dark and the Wicked The ever-audible whistling of the wind around a Texas farmouse reinds you how scary the simple, classic elements of the genre still are. Two grown-up kids try to work out what is happening to their mom and bed-stricken dad. Like many modern horror films it’s never fully explained but it’s creepy stuff.

6) Adventures in Babysitting Colourful romp from that period in the 80s when yuppies in peril with crooks at nighttime was all the rage (see also Into The Night, After Hours).

5) Passengers Chris Pratt accidentally wakes up (relatively) soon into a 120-year flight to somewhere or other to discover he’s all alone so he, like, wakes up Jennifer Lawrence. Jennifer Lawrence, that is, not some fat guy. He’s no fool. Film takes its time to get going but the spaceship setting feels so luxurious and real that you don’t mind. The payoff is satisfyingly poignant.

4) All The Money in the World Christopher Plummer is the most despicable character of the year in Ridley Scott’s stressful account of the Getty kidnapping.

3) St Vincent The grumpy guy next door who actually has a heart of gold isn’t original - it’s a bit As Good As It Gets - but it’s a moving story and Murray fills the screen with star power.

2) The Banshees of Inisherin Witty and disturbing fable set on an island off Island about what happens when Brendan Gleason suddenly ends his friendship with Colin Farrell. The Troubles are the backdrop to a story of intransigence, human weirdness and a massive severing of relationships. The two leads are excellent, especially Farrell as a man confronting his own alleged ordinariness.

And our favourite film of 2022 was...

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1) See How They Run Unpretentious (ie not overly complicated), likeable Agatha Christiesque whodunnit set in London’s theatreland, with Sam Rockwell very entertaining as a shambling London copper and Saoirse Ronan sparkling as his sidekick who does most of the detecting.

Best actor Colin Farrell The Banshees of Inisherin

Best actress Margot Robbie, Amsterdam

Best supporting actor Christopher Plummer, All The Money in The World

Best supporting actress Anya Taylor-Joy, Amsterdam

Best director Martin McDonagh (The Banshees of Inisherin)

Best screenplay Mark Chappell (See How They Run)

The Anya Taylor-Joy Award For Contribution to Films Starring Anya Taylor-Joy This Year: Anya Taylor-Joy (The Witch, Amsterdam and Last Night in Soho).

The Harriet Walter Award for Actresses Called Harriet Walter Who Narrowly Missed Out On Best Supporting Actress Awards in Both The Film and TV Categories: Harriet Walter (The Sense of an Ending and Succession).

Award For A Woman Most Like Someone One Might Have Known From Theydon Bois: Harriet Walter

The Topaz Tome: The Books Awards

Ranked from least to most favourite.

29) Blood Will Out Walter Kirn The author’s run-in with a real-life murderer and conman results in a self-indulgent exercise in cod philosophy.

28) Lover, Don't Come Back! Carter Brown Hard-boiled crimer set in, er, Australia. AWARD WINNER: Mustiest Object of the Year.

27) Cari Mora Thomas Harris Hannibal’s creator makes an anti-climactic return with a violent tale of baddies trying to dig up Pablo Escobar’s gold from beneath one of his former mansions. However, both parts of the double-stage climax are very exciting and partly made up for the disappointment.

26) Later Stephen King The sort of story King has done many times, and can do with his eyes shut, but the ending to this boy-can-see-dead-people yarn is better thought out than most of his efforts.

25) Red File for Callan James Mitchell If Harry Palmer was the seedy James Bond, Callan is the destiute Harry Palmer. Grimy thrills and a protagonist who doesn’t apologise for dishing out a beating or two.

24) House of Cards Michael Dobbs The way Francis Urquhart stitches up those who get in his way is very clever but the stitch-ups form most of the plot and it could have done with making those sub-plots instead.

23) Rumpole of the Bailey John Mortimer Clockwork-perfect legal intrigues, all with a dash of humanity.

22) The Art of The Cut Greg Keast Mystery author offers some useful, practical tips for editors and other film-makers.

21) Singular Sensation Michael Riedel How Broadway grabbed back musical theatre from Mr Lloyd-Webber in the 90s and noughties. Packed with gossipy anecdotes. 

20) The Buy Side Turney Duff Excess all areas in this biography of a hedge fund manager.

19) Driver Clyde B Phillips The author does a good job of trying to translate a film whose main delights are car chases to the page, although the plot is confusing, involving multiple layers of bad guys and their minions, which is admittedly not his fault. Literally “right turn, Clyde” (Every Which Way But Loose joke).

18) V2 Robert Harris The awful destructive power of the V2s is brought home with gusto in a story that follows the parallel stories of a rocket scientist in Germany and a young woman codebreaker in England.

17) Polar Star Martin Cruz Smith A cosy scenario - a whodunnit aboard a Russian trawler at sea - confuses with its huge cast of characters. By the time you find out whodunnit you’re a bit dunn caring.

16) The Black Box (second edition) Edited by Malcolm MacPherson More terrifying transcripts make you pleased that air travel is now too expensive to afford (surely “too environmentally unfriendly?” - ed).

15) The Ali Files Norman Giller Finally, a book that looks just at Muhammad Ali’s fights rather than his well-trodden private life.

14) A Personal Journey Through American Cinema with Martin Scorsese Martin Scorsese with Michael Henry Wilson Transcript of Marty’s 1995 series, with plenty of pics.

13) The Black Box (first edition) Edited by Malcolm MacPherson Transcripts of (mostly) fatal air crashes. Human error accounts for a frighteningly high number.

12) The Equalizer 2: To Even The Odds David Deutsch Well-told double helping of Equalizer stories, which always seem to be about bad rich guys in the banking world.

11) Real Tigers Mick Herron It all goes a bit “Gerard Butler” in the action climax to the third Slough House novel. Which is quite exciting but tonally out of sync with the other books. And didn’t Herron do the whole “fake kidnap” thing in the first book?

10) Three Plays Woody Allen Incredibly witty if old-fashioned relationship-focused comedies.

9) Hotel California Barney Hoskyns There’s more tragedy than triumph in this history of the famous songwriters of California’s Laurel Canyon in the early 70s: Jackson Browne, Gram Parsons, David Crosby, Mama Cass, The Eagles, that lot.

8) Licence Renewed John Gardner The author picks up the Bond mantle with aplomb and gives him some tough opponents in Scotland. Mantle Renewed.

7) The Mystery of Edwin Drood Charles Dickens An untypical Dickens tale invoving jealousy and rivalry in and around a cathedral and its associated school. Who dunnit (the murder) is revealed in a letter Dickens wrote to his biographer, for those who are worried that they will be left in the dark.

6) Dead Lions Mick Herron A Slough House agent goes into the countryside in search of some Russian sleeper agents.

5) The List and The Drop Mick Herron Linked, uber-short novellas with double crosses upon double crosses. Very clever.

4) The Lost World Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Cosy exploration yarn in South America makes you glad that you are tucked up in bed rather than being bitten by flies and dinosaurs in a sweaty jungle. Our books editor liked the pterodactyl getting free in the lecture at the end - seemed quite modern, quite Jurassic Park.

3) Moriarty Anthony Horowitz Holmes’ nemesis gets his own turn in the spotlight (surely ‘gas lamp’ - ed) in what is Horowitz’s finest hour, as far as our book editor’s experience goes anyway. With a killer doozy of a twist.

2) The Bullet That Missed Richard Osman Instalment number three is possibly weaker down the main stretch than number two but has the best final quarter of the series so far.

1) Bridget Jones  Mad About The Boy Helen Fielding The chaotic singleton attempts to write a screenplay and negotiate the dating scene again after the death of her husband Mark Darcy, but this time she has the added responsibilities of parenthood to complicate things. Brilliantly funny and at times very sad.

Crystal Cathodes - TV series completed in 2022

In no particular order.

The Tourist Jamie Dornan is the victim of a car accident who wakes up in hospital with amnesia in what is really a two-hour story stretched to six. Nice to see Oz’s Outback, a rarely used location for film or TV.

Succession, series three The epic saga of the awful Roy family keeps getting better. This series ended with a jawdropping twist involving a traitor in the hoose.

Our House ITV yuppies in peril thriller that does a pretty good job of credibly explaining its exciting initial premise (that a woman comes home one day and finds some new people are inexplicably moving into her house, which they can, er, prove they’ve bought).

The Dropout Gripping recreation of the story of Theranos scammer Elizabeth Holmes and her rise to incredible heights in the business world with an idea that just didn’t work. Stephen Fry was moving as the tragic whistleblower left out in the cold.

LuLaRich Documentary series about the many women who have got involved with women’s casual clothing multi-level marketing firm LuLa Roe only to encounter a whole trouser-load of problems with the products.

WeCrashed Another entry in the true life ‘business gone wrong’ genre is lavish and Jared Leto and Anna Hathaway are great but it goes on a bit too long and the story lacks the jaw-dropping audacities seen in The Dropout.

Slow Horses, series one Faithful adaptation of the books about the scrapes that a bunch of failed MI5 agents headed by Gary Oldman get in to.

Only Murders in the Building, series two After a slightly woke start the charming series soared back to its former heights with another twisty mystery in the luxury NYC apartment block.

The Most Dangerous Animal Finally revealed - the identity of the Zodiac Killer! Except the man whose claims it all rests on turns out to be another fraud. A bit clickbaity really then.

Ghosts, series four More high, er, spirited comedy with the likeable ghouls who are stuck in 

a country house with its human owners. The script and acting remain excellent.

Dead Lions The Slough House team returns to solve the mystery of a long-thought-dormant enemy spy and a possible intelligence threat hidden in a peaceful Cotswolds village. 

And the winner of the most enjoyed series of a TV show in 2022 is...

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Succession, series three!

If we were writing a proper awards ceremony, at this point Brian Cox as Logan Roy would totter on, swear a lot, wet himself without noticing, and then be helped off by his caring wife Marcia (Hiam Abbass).

Best actor in a TV series: Jared Leto, WeCrashed.

Best actress in a TV series: Amanda Seyfried, The Dropout.

Best supporting actor in a TV series: Naveen Andrews, The Dropout.

Best supporting actress in a TV series: Rosalind Eleazar, Slow Horses

Best episode of a TV series: All The Bells Say (season finale, Succession). Written by Jesse Armstrong, directed by Mark Mylod.

OVOPOL (Other Viewings, Other Perspectives, Other Lives). Our inclusive category which celebrates other things we enjoyed in 2022.

Radiohead minidiscs. More than 16 hours of demos, rehearsals, outtakes, and live performances recorded while Radiohead were working on their classic album OK Computer (1997). A hacker infamously stole these from them, which at first angered the group, who then briefly released them on their own website for a suggested donation to charity. They then took them down, and they’re now a bit hard to find online, even if you do have 16 hours to spare to listen to them. AWARD WINNER: Curio of the Year.

The Whitakers trilogy by Soft White Underbelly. Incredible series of films following a dirt poor, inbred and very handicapped family living in squalor in West Virginia. The attention garnered by the videos sparked a crowdfunding campaign (by the film’s maker) that ended up paying for a new house for the family. Available on YouTube.

Carrie: The Mastercut by Erik Champney. Blends footage of the final show (from various productions) with rehearsal footage to create a vivid picture of what the infamous flop was like. Available on YouTube.

Various videos by Wait in the Wings. These incredibly researched and edited videos offer in-depth and toe-curling looks at some of Broadway’s biggest flops, including Carrie, Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark and Legs Diamond. Available on YouTube.

Dune: The Ultimate Cut by Spacediver. Lovingly pieces together every scene filmed for the 1984 version of Dune into a fabulous high-def three-hour megacut. Available on YouTube.

Black Cadillac Very decent straight-to-video thriller about three teens who are pursued by the titular automobile in the snowy wilds of Wisconsin. Randy Quaid quite creepy as a cop who might not be all he seems.

Golden Gloves Awards: Our Favourite Boxing Matches of 2022

Conah Walker v Samuel Antwi

Felix Cash v Magomed Madiev

Josh Taylor v Jack Catterall

Amir Khan v Kell Brook

Michael Conlan v Leigh Wood

Liam Smith v Jesse Vargas

Amanda Serrano v Katie Taylor

Saul “Canelo” Alvarez v Dmitri Bivol

Allen “The Savage” Babic v Adam Balski

Joe Cordina v Kenichi Ogawa (AWARD WINNER: KO of the year, by Cordina)

Chris Billam-Smith v Isaac Chamberlain

Claressa Shields v Savannah Marshall

And the best fight of the year was...

Michael Conlan v Leigh Wood. Great things were expected of gobby Irishman Conlan (infamous for once flicking a V sign to Olympic judges after losing a decision) on the night he was led to the ring by Connor McGregor for his first professional fight (at Madison Square Garden, no less) but three years later he was still without a world title. Going in to this bout with Nottingham’s Leigh Wood he was expected to finally get one, and things looked to be going his way in the first round when he scored a heavy knockdown. 

A dazed Wood beat the count but in the next two rounds he looked like he could be finished at any moment. But he hung on and started notching up rounds of his own. In the dying seconds of the 11th round, Wood had Conlan down! Despite Conlan’s corner protesting that it wasn’t a legitimate knockdown (it was), it was counted as one, which meant that going into the final round it was unclear who was ahead on points - it could have been either man, which was guaranteed to make the last three minutes pretty tasty... 

Tasty it was: at 1 minute 25 secs into the round, Wood had Conlan dazed on the ropes and with a huge uppercut knocked his opponent straight through them and unconscious on to one of the press tables. Excitement? You got it! (Thank Heavens that’s over - everyone).

Expect a rematch in 2023. (groan - everyone).

Most Exciting Round of the Year Award: Round 5, Serrano v Taylor. Ireland’s fighting pride Katie Taylor somehow survived a right old punishing in this stanza and went on to win the fight.

This is the end of the Crystal Cathodes 2022. Thank you for reading.